august rain: 2011

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I hate what I did 12 years ago---8 years ago---6 years ago. I hate it. I'm very glad I hate it. That means I am changing. That means I have changed. God, my loving guide gives me grace to live with it. I am humbled. I humble myself before his mighty power and he lifts me up in due time. Many days I'm not sure I can live. Then I humble myself before him. I feel so bad for the pain I caused. I am reminded every hour, minute---memories. Humble myself. I am not the one who lifts myself up. God does that in his time.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Laying Out

Today I went for a 4.8 mile walk. (Why must I be so exact about that...I almost said 5 mile walk, but that didn't seem honest..and yet, I didn't want to say 4 and a half because that would leave me short a few tenths...)

Anyway.

After my walk and once I had arrived back at the house--I just wasn't ready to go inside. I decided to sit back in the "anti-gravity chair" given to me by parents for Mother's Day--and something I just don't use very often. I sat down, leaned back and closed my eyes. I took off my shoes. I rolled up my shorts.

Suddenly.

I was 13 again. Laying out in my backyard. In Decatur, Illinois--the summer of 1975. I can hear "Rikki, don't lose that number..you don't wanna call nobody else...Send it off in a letter to yo-our-or self" The sun embraced my mind and allowed me to feel the feelings I felt back then and allowed me to think the thoughts I thought back then.

This was incredible. An incredible discovery.

My friends and I used to lay out for hours. Laying out was something you could do anywhere as long as you were in the sun. Plus, there was something about arranging your blanket or towel so that you were "facing the sun." This was very, very important. Many times we would get up and move our blanket or towel as the sun moved it's position in the sky.

While laying out I could dream of so many things. Of how dark and lovely I would be by the end of the day. Of how I would likely meet a gorgeous guy who would be totally enamored with my beauty--and who would understand me--and see me for the very unique, beautiful, creative young girl that I was. I could dream of many things--13 year old girl dreams. 14 year old girl dreams. 15 year old girl dreams. Hope, unaffected. Belief, untested.

Today I was transported and it was magical. It is amazing how the warmth of the sun on closed eyelids can conjure up so many innocent memories. And, I know that if I had the scent of iodine mixed with baby oil (a concoction we used to rub on our skin to make us darker...)----well, I would probably slip away...