how is it that at the age of 45....with 4 sons.....ages 15 to 22.....none of them live with me? o.k......i know why....but it still hurts. right now i miss them so much that tears are just
flowing from my eyes....and my heart is broken.....

yes, it is always broken due to the loss of jake's teenage years, to have the opportunity to mother him taken away, the hugs, the back scratches, the conversations, the school plays, the music he writes, the band he is in, the friends he has, time, lost time, irretrievable time....i will never be able to explain how much that hurts..and how sorry i am for the pain i put him through......no one seems to understand...

i thank God that logan is close by.....he has no idea how much i need him and how important he is to me and how sorry i am for the pain i put him through 4 or 5 years ago....

jared is away at school...and that is a good thing...i am glad for him....i am proud of him...but i sure miss him too ... i miss our talks and the connections we always had...

and then clint is in kansas....he felt he needed to move there.....and he has been there since last september...i know he is old enough to be away from home...but that word is the killer...because he felt like he didn't have a home...and oh, God, that breaks my heart so very much....how could i have let that happen... oh God, .....oh God.....you know how deeply i love my sons. never, never, never.......i never wanted to hurt them...i always wanted to protect them....

i love each one of them so much. i am proud of each one of them. i love them deeply. i will pray. i will. i am.