I am trying to think this way: Interpret the moment. Give to the moment. Experience the moment. When my mind wanders from the moment into the past or into the future--I cheat myself of the scents, sounds, knowledge, understanding, delight, opportunities... that exist right now....and in turn deprive those who are here right now of sharing with me the experience of these things and so much more...Love now. Give now. Be alive now.

...that was ten years ago...

Lost my son.
Lost the daily life experience of my son.
Brought tears to my sons.
Brought tears to the dad....the husband.
Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt...
why have I hurt so many...
?
Do you know what I did?
Do you know.

Left the house early morning...
all were sleeping.
I woke no one.
Opened the door
walked outside
started the car
and drove
to a park
parking lot
met him
touched
kissed
felt nothing
felt absolutely nothing.

I feel everything now.
I FEEL EVERYTHNG!!!!!
I feel the pain of everyone.

This cannot be a song
or a poem
can it even be a story
a novel
?

This is awful, sickening, brutal, horrible LIFE...

I just want to be strong

I just want to be strong.
I want to stare
without hanging my head.
I want to be strong.

I want to.

Oh, to have shavah and to be astonished into stillness...

Psalm 131

A song of maalah (feminine: elevation--journey to a higher place--a climactic progression) of David.


Yhovah, Self-existent One, my feelings, will and intellect--my center is not gabahh (soaring, lofty,proud,lifted up), nor is my 'ayin (eye,outward appearance, face) rum (to be high, actively to rise, exalt,proud): neither do I halak (walk, be conversant,exercise, run along) myself in gadol (great, insolent, high, long, loud, mighty, more, noble, proud things), or in things pala ( to distinguish, make great, difficult, wonderful..be too hard..things too high) from or out of me.

Truly, I have shavah (to level, equalize, resemble, adjust, counterbalance, behave, make plain, reckon) and damam (to be dumb, to be astonished, to stop, hold peace, quiet self, rest, be silent, keep silence, be, still, tarry, wait) my nephesh (vitality, breathing creature) as a child that is gamal (wean, bestow on, deal bountifully, requite, ripen) according to her 'em (mother as the bond of the family): my nephesh (vitality) is gamal.

well, I am just sad most of the time. i call my son, Jake, so often. almost every night. i leave messages on their answering machine. he doesn't call me back. never calls me. never.....anymore. always sad.

what can be said that hasn't been said.

Shoobs and Clint

It was a good night for a walk through the fields...

Getting his bangs cut for the play...

Went to Kansas--saw Jake!

We went to Kansas last weekend. Jake was Athos in his school's production of The Three Musketeers. He was really great and that isn't just my opinion. A lot of people said he was the best actor on stage--and only a sophomore. He seems really serious though. Maybe he was tired...I don't know. But I don't hear him laugh as much as I used to. I love him. I hope he's o.k.

Never mind...Hector wasn't gone for good....I think he was gone for "bad" --- he came home with a chewed up ear and a wound above his eye...but he is such a brute, I'm not sure it even bothered him. He's back.

hector is gone

Not sure sure what happend to him..but Hector hasn't been around for three days now. How ironic that I had just done his picture last week...

pain

pain . . greatest when caused by me

eyes sting
throat restricts
chest heaves
pain
mouth twisted
regret
my actions my fault my self ish ness

the past is remembered
the past always comes to mind
and yet . . .
Isaiah 65:17
but now . . .
memories

Psalm 119:25
Down in the dust
I lie prostrate;
true to your word, revive me.
I tell you my ways and you answer me;
teach me your wishes.
Show me the way of your precepts,
that I may reflect on your wonders.
I am melting away for grief;
true to your word raise me up.

listening to Let It Go by Kirk Franklin
http://www.last.fm/music/Kirk+Franklin/_/Let+It+Go