My brother and me

It was really good to spend time with Jim over Thanksgiving....I hope he is having a safe drive back down to Florida....I love you Jim.

this is a rainy november day....Ody the cat is sleeping on top of the keyboard just a couple feet away from me...that silly cat....he finds the craziest places to sleep....NPR is on the radio in the kitchen and WLAB is on the radio upstairs. I think when I am home alone (which is most every weekday) I like to hear conversations and activity and music...it's almost like I get out of bed and by turning on the "radios" I am waking up the house or something.

well, here i am
sitting in this "office"
bulging belly
over jeans that once were loose
lukewarm coffee
(where does the term "lukewarm" come from...
gotta find out)
brad and i had a stupid episode
this morning
i call it stupid
because it just made no sense
on the surface

just booked jake's flight for fall break

this is july 1st

that will be october 11th

what will life be like between
7/1 and 10/11

don't know
can't know

gotta make good things happen

Home

Milo

Milo is contemplating life.

how is it that at the age of 45....with 4 sons.....ages 15 to 22.....none of them live with me? o.k......i know why....but it still hurts. right now i miss them so much that tears are just
flowing from my eyes....and my heart is broken.....

yes, it is always broken due to the loss of jake's teenage years, to have the opportunity to mother him taken away, the hugs, the back scratches, the conversations, the school plays, the music he writes, the band he is in, the friends he has, time, lost time, irretrievable time....i will never be able to explain how much that hurts..and how sorry i am for the pain i put him through......no one seems to understand...

i thank God that logan is close by.....he has no idea how much i need him and how important he is to me and how sorry i am for the pain i put him through 4 or 5 years ago....

jared is away at school...and that is a good thing...i am glad for him....i am proud of him...but i sure miss him too ... i miss our talks and the connections we always had...

and then clint is in kansas....he felt he needed to move there.....and he has been there since last september...i know he is old enough to be away from home...but that word is the killer...because he felt like he didn't have a home...and oh, God, that breaks my heart so very much....how could i have let that happen... oh God, .....oh God.....you know how deeply i love my sons. never, never, never.......i never wanted to hurt them...i always wanted to protect them....

i love each one of them so much. i am proud of each one of them. i love them deeply. i will pray. i will. i am.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

As easy as it is for those of us who are white to look back and say, "That's a terrible statement," I grew up in a very segregated South, and I think that you have to cut some slack. And I'm going to be probably the only conservative in America who's going to say something like this, but I'm just telling you: We've got to cut some slack to people who grew up being called names, being told, "You have to sit in the balcony when you go to the movie. You have to go to the back door to go into the restaurant. And you can't sit out there with everyone else. There's a separate waiting room in the doctor's office. Here's where you sit on the bus." And you know what? Sometimes people do have a chip on their shoulder and resentment. And you have to just say, I probably would too. I probably would too. In fact, I may have had ... more of a chip on my shoulder had it been me.

- Mike Huckabee, offering his perspective on the preaching of Rev. Jeremiah Wright. (Source: MSNBC)

Jake and I went to Cleveland

Jake and I had a really good day together. Went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame....got there around noon....had to go to the nearby airport to use the atm machine so I could get money to pay for parking.....only brought 5 dollars along and used that when we got off the toll road....it cost 7.25 so I had to fill out a form stating I would pay the remaning 2.25 in 3 days OR I would be on "the list" and she said I do not want to be on "the list." Jake was quite embarrassed. Anyway, we saw so many things. A purple Cadillac that Elvis bought back in the 70's. Jimi Hendrix's extravagant capes, scarves, billowy shirts, etc...John Lennon's grade cards....U2's rejection letters when they first started....on and on.

Best part of the day: when Jake had prayer in the car at Taco Bell as we were leaving....thanked God for the chance we had to spend time together and bond....asked that it last forever....(oh, wow)
He is a son beyond words. I love him so.

Trip to Cleveland

Logan at home watching the Grammy's...

Jake
in
the glow

February

well, February is almost over. 2008. Not sure how I feel about it. Not the greatest month, in my opinion. None of my sons are in the house now. This is a first in over 21 years for me. I have none of my children living with me.

Brad and I haven't had the most pleasant month either. Stress about Logan's house arrest and everything around that.

We had a phone fight on Saturday night. I honestly do not know when I have ever done that. I yelled. Shouted. You know, when a person feels that something dear to them is being threatened...they can become threatening. The things we hold dear. The things we hold dear. They will always..eventually..be challenged. How tightly will you hold on. How tightly will I hold on. That is what scares me. I tend to let go. I have always let go. This time...this time...I cannot watch that happen. I better not let that happen. Don't you see...that's all. I'm trying to teach you about me...about who I am and what are my tendencies...so you can be forewarned. Oh, please, don't be foolish with my feelings, thoughts, openness, honesty, transparency. Please don't be foolish with me. I may seem easy. But I can become hard.

I don't want that.

Ode on Melancholy
by John Keats

I.


NO, no, go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolfs-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss’d
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow’s mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.

II.


But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

II.


She dwells with Beauty - Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight 25
Veil’d Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy’s grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.


Poems (published 1820)